:-)

Meditation

... Is not about figuring things out

It's about letting go
& relaxing ...

Sacred Geometry

Walking through the valley of doubt.

Walking through the valley of doubt.

Walking through the valley of doubt
I can't believe I ever thought this or said that
Who is my shepherd now?
I am alone. All alone.
Others can walk beside me
But they cannot walk for me
I have to fight (or befriend) this doubt myself.
I must find my own truth before trying on another.
How can I believe that the moon has any effect
Before I admit that I am on this Earth?
How can I pretend to prepare for death
While I ignore my commitment to life?
How did I get here?
Did I not make promises to others?
:..to myself?
Which do I keep?
How do I measure?
How deep does doubt dwell?

paradise

Who am I really.
What am I doing here.
Why do I ask these ridiculous questions hundreds of times -- even thousands -- and I know I am no closer to an answer. I guess teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh and H. H. the Dalai Lama have helped me see my anger, but how long do I have to sit with it? I'd love to move on, but to what? Is there really this elusive inner peace that, if I work regularly and diligently (as diligently as a concert pianist or a world class surgeon, says Geshe Michael Roach) then this anger ....... Does what??? Goes away? I'm magically no longer offended by ignorant drivers swerving all over while texting? I'm no longer angered by selfish family members and co-workers who break their promise to be at a specific place at a specific time because their own need to feed their greed and selfish desires first?

But how can I fault them when I am exactly the same. I took a peek at a text once on a long stretch of road with no cars around -- then, all of a sudden, there is a car, or a bike, or a child. I have cut in front of people going "too slow," and I have missed a dinner or meeting because something else is too important.

So, what is the deal? Why do I have to suffer? Did I kill people in my last life? Am I causing too much suffering in this life? How can I improve? Just watching and meditating and occasionally writing in this blog is not doing it. I'm still an angry, bitter and selfish person deep down inside. The more I write and meditate, the more I see it, but my results do not convince me that I am any closer to paradise.

~~~

PS. Please comment if you have any thoughts that may help. I hope I am open to hearing them and maybe even embracing them.